I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize