remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
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