my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
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