Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
