If I go to jail what happens to my debt?
You dont have to pay it.
I'm going to jail.
That's when you crack a 10am beer
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
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