just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Randomize
