Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Randomize
