I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
