We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
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