i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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