Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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