after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
