you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
