no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
