My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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