bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
Randomize
