first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
