I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
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