my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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