Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
