he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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