yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Randomize
