Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
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