On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
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