Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize