I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Randomize
