I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Randomize
