No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
