I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Randomize
