census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Randomize
