There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
why do cheetos always look like penises
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
