Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
A bitchslap is in order.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
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