I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
