TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
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