i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
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