is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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