We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
Man, jail baloney is awful.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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