The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
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