That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
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