i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Randomize
