it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
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