I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I think I won the penis lottery.
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
