You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
