Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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