i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
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