I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
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