i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
My vagina is very pro this idea
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize