your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Randomize
