A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
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