I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
