Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
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