??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
