i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Randomize
