I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
